======================================================================
Dear WenBin,
Congratulations wenbin, you just went up and screwed up yourself again.
I give up on you, haven't you learnt your lesson?
Those people can only mean more mental trouble for you.
why bother?You need the discipline.
You know you've lost.
So stop hoping for the impossible.
in fact, you've just hurt yourself this afternoon.
and all because you still held that hope.
don't believe me? wait till monday comes.
Don't come crying and whining to me.
I warned you before.
and my patience is wearing thin.
You're not suited to this environment.
You know it.
So stop trying to change.
You're just gonna hurt yourself.
Just because an opportunity to change comes along,
doesn't mean you go grabbing it like a despo.
What you desire is not for you to choose.
You know it since you've been born.
You did not come to this world to impress.
You were born for yourself.
You know it.
And i don't have to tell it to you again.
So shut up.
You might think it's just your paranoid thoughts taking control over again,
but it's not this time.
You know you freaked that person out.
even though that person tried not to reveal it.
Who asked you to reveal what was inside of you.
Who asked you to say out what you really thought.
WHO was it that allowed you to say out what you felt about it all?
Know what?
Serves you right.
So, I'm telling you once again.
Heed my warning:
Do not bother about what happens.
You were not suited to this environment.
Just stay out of it all.
You have already hurt yourself hard enough.
You're sure to lose.
You must look at the big picture.
You must look at your future.
All these are just illusions.
Side-roads to trick you to your death.
Heed my call.
For only I know you best.
You know it.
I know it.
Out.
NOW.
Your Master,
Consciousness
==================================================================================
Went over to zhongying's house for cny party with vicky's gang and people.
haha his house was damn freaking big.
like hotel liddat sia.
complete with a lift and fountain.
Went over to play cards and mahjonng.
Had the same gabriel victor quarrel.
haha we all scream until neighbors came complaining
Tonight was damn fun.
It's one of those kind of pure innocent fun i had not experienced since last year.
Those fun that you know you can enjoy yourself to the max without anyone bothering.
Those kind of fun that you know did not consist of any social back-stabbing afterwards.
Those kind of fun that enables you to play to your hearts' content with no consequences whatsoever coming to haunt you.
Those kind of fun you know you can never have when there are girls around.
I really miss my class.
I miss hitting each other just because of a tiny matter.
I missed chasing each other just because we were bored.
I missed playing with the class' AV equipemnts.
I miss the shouting and quarrelling over the 2 ends of the class with the teacher laughing in the middle.
I missed my friends.
I miss my past.
My present requires too much change.
I cannot take it.
I just wanna escape back to the past.
-When you try running back to the past, only to be forced forward by the present towards the future-
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Friday, February 08, 2008
The Extremely Frustratingly Boringly Bored Boredom
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
damn damn damn bored.
feeling damn high now, then got no outlet to release it.
omg omg omg.
ahh i'm gonna go crazy liao.
i need to talk, msn, sms, something!
I try to sleep also cannot sia, keep on tossing and turning.
agrh argh bah.
i feel like doing something instead of doing nothing online.
omg i cannot take this any longer.
must have been the stupid kopi i drank in the morning.
high high high high.
bored bored bored.
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAH.
dang it.
EDIT:
OK, I NOW ANNOUNCE MYSELF DESPERATE FOR COMPANY.
oommggggg.
my bro's going out with his friends later, my parents also. so I'll be left like alone at home.
LIKE I'M NOT BORED ENOUGH.
I REALLY WILL GO CRAZY SIA.
SOMEONE. AHHHHHH!
SECOND EDIT:
parents already out.
bro going out in a few minutes' time.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Managed to force meself to sleep, but still woke up in the end.
and now I'm so freakin' borrred. STILL!
I. NEED. COMPANY!
damn damn damn bored.
feeling damn high now, then got no outlet to release it.
omg omg omg.
ahh i'm gonna go crazy liao.
i need to talk, msn, sms, something!
I try to sleep also cannot sia, keep on tossing and turning.
agrh argh bah.
i feel like doing something instead of doing nothing online.
omg i cannot take this any longer.
must have been the stupid kopi i drank in the morning.
high high high high.
bored bored bored.
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAH.
dang it.
EDIT:
OK, I NOW ANNOUNCE MYSELF DESPERATE FOR COMPANY.
oommggggg.
my bro's going out with his friends later, my parents also. so I'll be left like alone at home.
LIKE I'M NOT BORED ENOUGH.
I REALLY WILL GO CRAZY SIA.
SOMEONE. AHHHHHH!
SECOND EDIT:
parents already out.
bro going out in a few minutes' time.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Managed to force meself to sleep, but still woke up in the end.
and now I'm so freakin' borrred. STILL!
I. NEED. COMPANY!
Thursday, February 07, 2008
The most innocent boy you've ever seen
So, I've just came back from watching a movie with yuesheng and gang. Ah Long Pte Ltd. damn funny. wouldn't mind watching it a second time sia.
I'm not gonna post any emo stuff tonight, so relax.
Feeling a wee bit high now. dunno why also.
But have been the teh c i drank this afternoon.
ahh wells.
AND THERE'S NO ONE WILLING TO MSN WITH ME NOW.
gah. I need an outlet to release my hyper-ness.
Life's been pretty smooth-sailing for me recently.
actually recently meant just today.
I'm almost finished with destroying that emo part of me.
(Actually, i just used that 'you're a loser, so why bother?' logic.)
works miracles. too bad i didn't find it out earlier.
just a little more and i'm officially a bystander in my social circle for life.
hmm on to more happy stuff,
I NEED TO TALK, SMS, MSN, something! arghhhh.
feeling hype hype hyper.
playing those soothing songs on itunes is like not helping la.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
high, low, high, low, high, low,high!
i'mma out of stuff to blog liao.
but i shall continue typing.
hah.
on second thoughts. maybe not.
I'll just go release it in o2jam or gunbound or something.
borrrring.
EDIT:
OMGGG. I'm so so borrrred now.
ahhhhhhhhhh.
-You're a loser, so why bother competing? You know you're just gonna lose and hurt yourself in the end.-
I'm not gonna post any emo stuff tonight, so relax.
Feeling a wee bit high now. dunno why also.
But have been the teh c i drank this afternoon.
ahh wells.
AND THERE'S NO ONE WILLING TO MSN WITH ME NOW.
gah. I need an outlet to release my hyper-ness.
Life's been pretty smooth-sailing for me recently.
actually recently meant just today.
I'm almost finished with destroying that emo part of me.
(Actually, i just used that 'you're a loser, so why bother?' logic.)
works miracles. too bad i didn't find it out earlier.
just a little more and i'm officially a bystander in my social circle for life.
hmm on to more happy stuff,
I NEED TO TALK, SMS, MSN, something! arghhhh.
feeling hype hype hyper.
playing those soothing songs on itunes is like not helping la.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
high, low, high, low, high, low,high!
i'mma out of stuff to blog liao.
but i shall continue typing.
hah.
on second thoughts. maybe not.
I'll just go release it in o2jam or gunbound or something.
borrrring.
EDIT:
OMGGG. I'm so so borrrred now.
ahhhhhhhhhh.
-You're a loser, so why bother competing? You know you're just gonna lose and hurt yourself in the end.-
The Chaotic Peace
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. now not feeling high le. Damn tired.
must be the o2jam songs i played just now.
gah.
went out for og pool today. was funn.
I guess i'm too tired to blog today.
but cny this year is looking boring as far as i can predict.
gotta go temple and pray early in the morning tomorrow.
gah.
must be the o2jam songs i played just now.
gah.
went out for og pool today. was funn.
I guess i'm too tired to blog today.
but cny this year is looking boring as far as i can predict.
gotta go temple and pray early in the morning tomorrow.
gah.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
The Mocha Effect
hmm.
just went to have a nice large mocha + oreo cheesecake with clinton and shaun at the drive-thru mac after school today at around 5 to 6 plus. damn fattening. =x
but the mocha's caffeine dunno what the guy do, maybe he increase the caffeine level or something. I actually feeling damn depressed and emo then after drinking suddenly feel damn high and hyper.
Started singing Christmas songs at mac =x
But still, I've been emo-ing and so caught up in my own social problems that I've totally forgotten how it is like to actually have some pure fun and not care about a thing in the world.
Was high all the way till around 9pm. Started singing to the radio songs in awful off-tune voice =p
Warning: self-degrading sector below
===================================================================================
As i was being high, I've actually realized how much the world has changed within the short few days I've been retracted and stopped interacting with the social world. Some of them already are starting to have ideas about me.
I guess I've been so immersed in my own dull deary thoughts that I've caused a lot of people around me to get hurt.
And for this, I am sorry.
And now, I know I owe these people an explanation.
My paranoid thoughts completely took over these few days and thus I've started imagining things.Bad things. Things that has caused me to recoil and look at my surroundings. When i do that, poof. I suddenly realized that I'm just not ready. I'm not ready for the sudden change in environment, the sudden change in my social circle, the sudden change occuring in all my friends, more importantly, the sudden change happening in me while i try to adapt to these surroundings.
And because of this, I started to shed my pure thoughts and began suspecting people for what they are not. I started to suspect friends who had changed so suddenly. I suspected my new social circle. Mostly, I suspected myself. I suspect that maybe it is not them, but me. I was the one who had changed.
Because of this, I knew I had to have a large picture. I needed to calm my thoughts. I needed sort out the paranoid thoughts from those that are pure. And thus, I detached myself from my social circle.
I knew it was wrong, but my paranoid thoughts just kept feeding me so much wrong information that i now knew neither which was true nor which was false.I had to sort them out, I needed to air my suspicion. I had to stop looking at my friends' change but should instead start to learn to adapt to them.
And thus, a painful detachment ensued.
It was a short moment. One that not many but a few close ones realized. But within these few days, I not only sorted out my thinking, but gained new insights on friends. I also now knew the pain of being forced to be alone.
Of course, a few suspicion in my friend's changes I still retain. However, I know knew that it was me, not them that was stubborn. I could not blame them, their surroundings had forced them to changed. I had only myself to blame for not adapting fast enough.
However, I do also realize that it is not perfect. nothing is. There are imperfections and by detaching myself from it, I now see it in clear view. I see where I stand in my social circle and why being detached permanently might not be such a bad idea after-all.
Of course, all is not solved yet. Besides the strong on-going suspicions that i still hold, I still have the matter of self-evaluation that i badly need to do. With the need for quick adaption to my surroundings, I just could not do it.
And now, I cannot be detached any longer, no matter how much i want to. I have unknowingly caused hurt to people around me, and they might not accept me back.
But still, I have to begin the stage of re-attachment. By using the logic of me being just a supporter instead of a big hero, it does make alot of things easier to digress. People might not accept me back. I might get rejected from my social circle.
However, I now see who I am. I am one who is ice at the core, but I cannot show it. For a person who is all ice is cold and uncaring. I must never attain those traits.
Because of this, I shall change.
I shall stop acting based on impression.
I shall do what I like, instead of what others like.
I shall stop being afraid.
I shall start attaining a balance between reality and imagination.
I shall.
==========================================================================================
Ok, now that the mocha is wearing thin, I'm starting to feel kinda depressed again. gah gah. Hmm, the disco music is keeping the high-ness in me though. whee.
Guess you guys have like enough of the emo stuff I'm posting up here.
I'll try to stop posting these stuff.
But it really depends on my mood.
-When you realize you are not needed anymore-
just went to have a nice large mocha + oreo cheesecake with clinton and shaun at the drive-thru mac after school today at around 5 to 6 plus. damn fattening. =x
but the mocha's caffeine dunno what the guy do, maybe he increase the caffeine level or something. I actually feeling damn depressed and emo then after drinking suddenly feel damn high and hyper.
Started singing Christmas songs at mac =x
But still, I've been emo-ing and so caught up in my own social problems that I've totally forgotten how it is like to actually have some pure fun and not care about a thing in the world.
Was high all the way till around 9pm. Started singing to the radio songs in awful off-tune voice =p
Warning: self-degrading sector below
===================================================================================
As i was being high, I've actually realized how much the world has changed within the short few days I've been retracted and stopped interacting with the social world. Some of them already are starting to have ideas about me.
I guess I've been so immersed in my own dull deary thoughts that I've caused a lot of people around me to get hurt.
And for this, I am sorry.
And now, I know I owe these people an explanation.
My paranoid thoughts completely took over these few days and thus I've started imagining things.Bad things. Things that has caused me to recoil and look at my surroundings. When i do that, poof. I suddenly realized that I'm just not ready. I'm not ready for the sudden change in environment, the sudden change in my social circle, the sudden change occuring in all my friends, more importantly, the sudden change happening in me while i try to adapt to these surroundings.
And because of this, I started to shed my pure thoughts and began suspecting people for what they are not. I started to suspect friends who had changed so suddenly. I suspected my new social circle. Mostly, I suspected myself. I suspect that maybe it is not them, but me. I was the one who had changed.
Because of this, I knew I had to have a large picture. I needed to calm my thoughts. I needed sort out the paranoid thoughts from those that are pure. And thus, I detached myself from my social circle.
I knew it was wrong, but my paranoid thoughts just kept feeding me so much wrong information that i now knew neither which was true nor which was false.I had to sort them out, I needed to air my suspicion. I had to stop looking at my friends' change but should instead start to learn to adapt to them.
And thus, a painful detachment ensued.
It was a short moment. One that not many but a few close ones realized. But within these few days, I not only sorted out my thinking, but gained new insights on friends. I also now knew the pain of being forced to be alone.
Of course, a few suspicion in my friend's changes I still retain. However, I know knew that it was me, not them that was stubborn. I could not blame them, their surroundings had forced them to changed. I had only myself to blame for not adapting fast enough.
However, I do also realize that it is not perfect. nothing is. There are imperfections and by detaching myself from it, I now see it in clear view. I see where I stand in my social circle and why being detached permanently might not be such a bad idea after-all.
Of course, all is not solved yet. Besides the strong on-going suspicions that i still hold, I still have the matter of self-evaluation that i badly need to do. With the need for quick adaption to my surroundings, I just could not do it.
And now, I cannot be detached any longer, no matter how much i want to. I have unknowingly caused hurt to people around me, and they might not accept me back.
But still, I have to begin the stage of re-attachment. By using the logic of me being just a supporter instead of a big hero, it does make alot of things easier to digress. People might not accept me back. I might get rejected from my social circle.
However, I now see who I am. I am one who is ice at the core, but I cannot show it. For a person who is all ice is cold and uncaring. I must never attain those traits.
Because of this, I shall change.
I shall stop acting based on impression.
I shall do what I like, instead of what others like.
I shall stop being afraid.
I shall start attaining a balance between reality and imagination.
I shall.
==========================================================================================
Ok, now that the mocha is wearing thin, I'm starting to feel kinda depressed again. gah gah. Hmm, the disco music is keeping the high-ness in me though. whee.
Guess you guys have like enough of the emo stuff I'm posting up here.
I'll try to stop posting these stuff.
But it really depends on my mood.
-When you realize you are not needed anymore-
Monday, February 04, 2008
The Misinterpreted Interpretation
everyone's just mis-reading my previous post. gah.this sucks.
Ahhhhh. busy. busy. busy.
So much homework to hand up tomorrow la! and i didn't even realize it until i flipped through my file.
I hate been busy.gah.
But in another point of view, it really takes my mind off all the depressing stuff running helther-skelter through my head.
tomorrow got lit test some-more.
and i think my geog teacher's really gonna reprimand me for my hair tomorrow le.
though i did chop it off at the top, but i don't think she'll accept my sides. ahhhh.
stress, stress, stress.
But i guess it's better than having nothing to do and than having all the stupid paranoid thoughts.
i guess that's all. too busy to blog.
P.S. Any character in my previous' post's story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any real-life people or items is purely coincidental. So, that means, IT'S A FAKE STORY. all think so much, go do your homework la!
Ahhhhh. busy. busy. busy.
So much homework to hand up tomorrow la! and i didn't even realize it until i flipped through my file.
I hate been busy.gah.
But in another point of view, it really takes my mind off all the depressing stuff running helther-skelter through my head.
tomorrow got lit test some-more.
and i think my geog teacher's really gonna reprimand me for my hair tomorrow le.
though i did chop it off at the top, but i don't think she'll accept my sides. ahhhh.
stress, stress, stress.
But i guess it's better than having nothing to do and than having all the stupid paranoid thoughts.
i guess that's all. too busy to blog.
P.S. Any character in my previous' post's story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any real-life people or items is purely coincidental. So, that means, IT'S A FAKE STORY. all think so much, go do your homework la!
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