The Mocha Effect

hmm.

just went to have a nice large mocha + oreo cheesecake with clinton and shaun at the drive-thru mac after school today at around 5 to 6 plus. damn fattening. =x

but the mocha's caffeine dunno what the guy do, maybe he increase the caffeine level or something. I actually feeling damn depressed and emo then after drinking suddenly feel damn high and hyper.

Started singing Christmas songs at mac =x

But still, I've been emo-ing and so caught up in my own social problems that I've totally forgotten how it is like to actually have some pure fun and not care about a thing in the world.

Was high all the way till around 9pm. Started singing to the radio songs in awful off-tune voice =p


Warning: self-degrading sector below
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As i was being high, I've actually realized how much the world has changed within the short few days I've been retracted and stopped interacting with the social world. Some of them already are starting to have ideas about me.

I guess I've been so immersed in my own dull deary thoughts that I've caused a lot of people around me to get hurt.

And for this, I am sorry.

And now, I know I owe these people an explanation.

My paranoid thoughts completely took over these few days and thus I've started imagining things.Bad things. Things that has caused me to recoil and look at my surroundings. When i do that, poof. I suddenly realized that I'm just not ready. I'm not ready for the sudden change in environment, the sudden change in my social circle, the sudden change occuring in all my friends, more importantly, the sudden change happening in me while i try to adapt to these surroundings.

And because of this, I started to shed my pure thoughts and began suspecting people for what they are not. I started to suspect friends who had changed so suddenly. I suspected my new social circle. Mostly, I suspected myself. I suspect that maybe it is not them, but me. I was the one who had changed.

Because of this, I knew I had to have a large picture. I needed to calm my thoughts. I needed sort out the paranoid thoughts from those that are pure. And thus, I detached myself from my social circle.

I knew it was wrong, but my paranoid thoughts just kept feeding me so much wrong information that i now knew neither which was true nor which was false.I had to sort them out, I needed to air my suspicion. I had to stop looking at my friends' change but should instead start to learn to adapt to them.

And thus, a painful detachment ensued.

It was a short moment. One that not many but a few close ones realized. But within these few days, I not only sorted out my thinking, but gained new insights on friends. I also now knew the pain of being forced to be alone.

Of course, a few suspicion in my friend's changes I still retain. However, I know knew that it was me, not them that was stubborn. I could not blame them, their surroundings had forced them to changed. I had only myself to blame for not adapting fast enough.

However, I do also realize that it is not perfect. nothing is. There are imperfections and by detaching myself from it, I now see it in clear view. I see where I stand in my social circle and why being detached permanently might not be such a bad idea after-all.

Of course, all is not solved yet. Besides the strong on-going suspicions that i still hold, I still have the matter of self-evaluation that i badly need to do. With the need for quick adaption to my surroundings, I just could not do it.

And now, I cannot be detached any longer, no matter how much i want to. I have unknowingly caused hurt to people around me, and they might not accept me back.

But still, I have to begin the stage of re-attachment. By using the logic of me being just a supporter instead of a big hero, it does make alot of things easier to digress. People might not accept me back. I might get rejected from my social circle.

However, I now see who I am. I am one who is ice at the core, but I cannot show it. For a person who is all ice is cold and uncaring. I must never attain those traits.

Because of this, I shall change.
I shall stop acting based on impression.
I shall do what I like, instead of what others like.
I shall stop being afraid.
I shall start attaining a balance between reality and imagination.

I shall.

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Ok, now that the mocha is wearing thin, I'm starting to feel kinda depressed again. gah gah. Hmm, the disco music is keeping the high-ness in me though. whee.

Guess you guys have like enough of the emo stuff I'm posting up here.
I'll try to stop posting these stuff.
But it really depends on my mood.


-When you realize you are not needed anymore-