so come one, come all.

Since I did a post on 2012 yesterday,
here's a post on 2013 today.

2013's going to be an interesting year,
and I am pretty sure that by this time next year,

my life is going to have undergone some drastic changes.

everyone's creating new year's resolution,
but i guess mine is just:

To be more alert from the year 2013.

I have been living my life as if i'm in a dream,
talking to those around me as though i'm behind a dreamy veil.
Not noticing until it is too late.

only alcohol seemed to be able to lift the veil,
but i'll make an effort to do it without the alcohol.

and by this time next year,
let's hope i'm a better person.

and maybe,
just maybe,
i can finally find out who i am.

The year in hindsight.

So, it's nearly the end of the year.
Figured i'll do a post just to recap my year.

Started 2012 newly enlisted into 35SCE.
ending 2012 preparing to leave that place.

So i guess most of my year's events have been in seletar camp.

At first, it was an exciting journey,
learning the works of an ops spec,
working,
things got tougher as the days went by,
things went wrong,
but everything fixed themselves in the end,
well, almost everything, at least.

i wouldn't say it was an enjoyable year,
but there were enjoyable moments,
the nights spent on the guitars,
the days spent on overseas trips with army buddies-leisure or otherwise.

the difficult moments were many,
i fell to some,
rose to some.
but it's made me tougher,
taught me skills,
mindsets,
that at the end of the day,
i'm just as strong as i want to be.

I've definitely finished off the year,
being a crazily different person from the start of the year.
for the better- in most parts anyway.

picked up clubbing,
had first gambling experience.

so i guess those weren't the better things.

i started off the year
thinking i knew what i wanted to be fulfilled.
though i ended the year
more confused than ever.

but it's a lifetime process,
so i'll work on that.

until then,
year 2012.

it's the high seas we go

Went on a cruise yesterday!
the crowd mostly contained senior citizens who were there to try and make a few quick bucks from the spinning wheels and flipping cards, though.

went up to the deck at about 2am when it was close to empty.
and just looked out across the dark ocean, and the wind against my ears.
and realized that i really needed this,
not just as a vacation,
but as a physical distance,
something to tell me i really am away from everything,
even if it's just for the night.

somewhere where i could just sit and think
about who i want to be,
and who i already am.

and now that i'm back,
maybe i'll try to be someone new.

Here's something i found off thoughtcatalog:
'Getting treated like shit loses its luster after awhile. People don’t tell you the truth, which is that it can actually feel good for an allotted amount of time, it can feel good to see how low you’ll go to feel recognized by someone, but then it just starts to reveal itself for what it is: you not respecting yourself enough to not get walked on all over.'

I never knew what i've always never been express in words can actually be done.
made me feel that much better,
that admist all the pain,
i'm not alone.

at least i'm not as sad as i used to be.

i think i've found it.

attention.
that's it.

to live off attention.
to feed on it,
to laugh with it,
to embrace it like a dear friend.

where the stage is my world,
and the spotlight is my calling.

and when the curtains close,
i keep looking for that high.

for that approval,
that spotlight.

i think i need professional help.

or maybe,
i just need a hobby.

yea, a hobby sounds about right.

i know we've just met but let's pretend it's love.

i'm looking at an empty page.

with my ink pen,
i have so many thoughts,
so many memories.

i want to write them all down,
the dilemmas,
the problems,
the insecurities,
the issues.

and when my pen touches the paper,
nothing comes out.

my heart's simply ran out of ink.

When all the easy roads are gone

i always thought,
that i had to find myself.

that i am in such a mess,
such a hollowed husk,
because i never knew who i was.

i never knew
what i liked,
what i hated,
who i liked,
who i hated.
what i was weak in,
where my talents lie.

so i kept hunting,
kept looking for an answer.

and then,
i was thrown into the wild.
left to survive or die.

and that was when i realized,
it was never about finding oneself.
it was about CREATING oneself.

you like whatever you wanted to like,
and hated whatever you wanted to hate.

i am who i want to be,
and not who i'm supposed to be.

that, my friends,
is the answer.

end of the world.

a shot of coffee liquor.

and a keyboard.

Everything will get better.
It will.

glue.

I look forward to the future so much,
if anything went wrong...

depressive episodes getting better,
but now instead of it being episodes,
it's a dull sad mood.

that always seem to be there.

maybe after this whole stint,
things would get better.

again,
maybe not,

Trip into the Boonies.

Been a long time.

First up, Thailand:

Hot.
Really hot.

Though, besides the weather, the physical aspect weren't that bad.
Oh I got a flu before I went outfield, which was horrendous cause i ended up giving up on the lousy shellscrape.

had to do map preparation for like 80% of the time.
Which was utterly disappointing.
and depressing.

Defintely went into depression a few times.
cause i was doing the map,
and redoing,
and redoing.

Never felt so relieved when the exercise ended.

bought 4 shirts and a jeans for 40 SGD total.
So yay!

Came back to Singapore,
bought Bailey's and Sherriden's.

Went to sleep.

And that was saturday.

Today, is saturday again.

spent Monday gaming with the army guys at home.
Tuesday gaming with the army guys at LAN at dhoby ghaut.
Wednesday was spent at butter celebrating jayden's birthday.
 and arose came the legend of the fat girl in the pink dress.
(which is another story i shall tell another day)
Thursday was spent hungover and skyfall.
Friday was spent playing DOTA 2.
Saturday was spent playing starcraft 2.

eyes woozy.

I need some human interaction that doesn't involve computer screens.

Anyone? :)

I bet I could.

tomorrow's the day.

land of a thousand smiles,
though i think that's going to be the last thing on our minds
for the next 2 weeks.

Nervous.
I would go with nervous.

I have no idea what i'm feeling anymore.
it's getting so bad that i sometimes have to just stop
and think to myself,
'ok i'm worried. this is how it feels to be worried.'

i'm forgetting,
too fast, too soon.
i'm forgetting everything that I don't like.
everything I want gone.

and it's going to get me in trouble one day.

but maybe i'll figure out what I really want,
in the lands of the thai.

and until then,
goodbye.

we're just having fun.

All emotions can be triggered.

We can trigger anger in others by insult, by disregard.
We can trigger sadness in others by touching on senstitive topics, by bringing back sad memories.
we can trigger happiness in others by cracking a joke, by reminisicing comedic moments.

And with that train of logic,
We can easily trigger attraction in others.

This elusive sense of attraction,
is not special,
nor is it at first sight.

it can be triggered.
and many people have done it.

there are techniques,
methods,
ways,
lines,
actions, moves.

Tried and tested,
documented.

Attraction, which is the modern basis for love,
can be triggered.

and where does that leave love?

With all the right moves,
it can be triggered in anybody.

and i'm gonna do it.
just to show i can.

all the right moves

So. 21st.

Figured I could note this down,
so i won't ever forget.

went out with yanjie a day before.
supposed to head down to west coast park-but after an overcast sky and rain.
we ended up at harbourfront, and then keppel bay instead.

which was really nice.
like... really nice. and windy.

and the cruise ship helped.

sat down had a picnic till dark
and talked about everything.

and then we went back and bought alcohol and sat at the wooden platforms outside VIVO
and talked some more.

been a long time since i actually just sat down and...
talked.

think i really needed that.

Birthday morning.

Woke up at 10am and met shaun and clinton.

ended up at macdonalds.
which i haven't had since.... 3 months ago?
or forever.
somewhere around that time frame.

ordered and ate.
and talked again.

I guess what i really needed was just conversation.

made plans, and we went our seperate ways cause i  had to prepare for...

 ktv!

with dezhan albert, eric and shannon!

my first time going to ktv so it was an eye-opener.
after alot of high voices and mike screeching,
we went for dinner

and ended up at the nearest LAN shop to play a while

and we left.
which leaves me with...here.

half an hour more, till the end of my 21st.

Sure, it's not the most bombastic or magnificent 21st parties.

but all this, the conversations, the food, just sitting around and doing stuff.
all this just felt..

perfect.

so, thank you.

living young, wild & free

went to butter yesterday.
pretty packed.

21st coming soon.

and i still don't know who i am,
or who i'm supposed to be.

maybe i'll find out soon.

maybe it's time all this started making sense.

a friend of mine.

going back in.
to the worlds of forever.

it's you.
i have to get over this.
oh man,
wasn't this supposed to be easy?

it's you.
i need to let you go.
but it just won't break.
it
just
won't
go.

please let me go.

Say you like me.

I'm out.

Every week is feeling longer and longer,
and week's out are feeling blissful and painful-all at once.

and the worst part is,
it was never about being in the world inside.

it had always been the world outside.

maybe i need a miracle,
or maybe,
i just need myself back.

maybe.

more than some pretty face inside a train

Maybe one day,
all this will make sense.

Maybe it won't.

but till then,
i'll have to get through this mess,
one nonsense at a time.

at least I still have my world.

I hit the ditch, you carried on.

Life's been way too messy.
though i'm pretty sure most of the mess is just in my head.

the 'in' in sanity

life is wrought with many complicated issues,
many difficult decisions,
and multiple impossible tasks.

but those who choose to ignore them,
choose not to rationalize them,

those who choose to merely follow in the footsteps of others,
to agree with the thoughts of those before him,
to hide from the sun, in the shadow of another.

those, are the people
who don't deserve
this we have called life.

because they have merely taken this gift,
and spent it without any beneifical output.
without any creation to call their own,
without any thought to guide his way,
and without any stand he can call his own.

and that is why,
i will change the world.

for the better,
or for the worse,

i will change
the world.

it's been a long time coming since i saw your face

and i guess i didn't really matter.

everything seems more depressing somehow,
maybe because everything out there seems so much more happening.

I live a different life.
with different people,
different environments,
have different stories.

so that makes me that much more different.

but i guess at the end of the day,
we are still all the same.

we hurt,
we cheer,
we laugh,
we cry.

we just do it differently.
because we're all different.

i think i just need to sleep.

sleep lets me stop thinking for a while.
and i really need that.

at least for the coming days.

no time to rest

tonight,
popping back in.

at least it's going to be a slightly more interesting week.

confidence jump on wednesday
paintball on friday.

not too hot on the confidence jump.
but, ah wells.

I'll just survive this week,
like i've always done.

and come out,
hoping the weekend
will be just that bit
kinder.

just listen to the rhythm of my heart

i have been thinking alot about the past, present and future lately.

and the conclusion of all those thoughts always end with this:
'dammit. headache.'

on a lighter note,
i think i just became lighter.
after the run.

so there.

when fantasties come crashing down

I used to think I was strong enough to enjoy my world whilst living in the real one, because i was always strong enough to be able to differentiate the two.

now, i'm not so sure anymore.

maybe i just need to find my strength back,
or maybe,
i'll have to let one go.

please don't let it come to that.

i think i'll feel better come march next year.
hopefully.

on a cold winter night

And with all these people,
all the activites,
all the events,
happening every weekday,
i still feel alone.

i actually feel less alone at home being alone than on a weekday.
i think my minds' short-circuiting.
badly.

and i put all my hopes in the future,
because the present has lost all of it.

When whatever comes

been a tough week.

not a busy week,
but tough.

ever feel as though you're just part of this big plan where every event is supposed to teach you something?
I think the one mapping out my life has this twisted love for hard lessons.

and as much as I've learnt.
It's killing me.

maybe one day,
all these lessons
will save my life.

maybe.

And to see what tomorrow brings.

Things aren't always the way they seem,
so just because things seem unfair,
doesn't mean that they are.

i guess the universe has a way of equalizing things out,
a little disaster there, a little miracle here,
and everything'll turn out for the best.

i hope.

maybe it's me, afterall.

i don't have the best solutions to many of my problems.
in fact, most of the time i don't have solutions at all.

maybe winging it IS the best solution,
or maybe one day it'll all be gone,
and i'll be there, just like how i started.

so it's ok, and then it wasn't.

missed out something i was supposed to do,
and went crazy overthinking about it.

and now i have this tugging feeling
that somewhere, something is going to go wrong.

very wrong.

if only i can figure out what.
or who.

i think it's a who.

i'm hoping it won't be you.

makes you so blind.

going back in soon.
the break's been fun.

next week's gonna be late nights,
outfield nights.

here's to hoping everything turns out alright.
you know, with the seven month and all.




and thank you,
for letting me know I was right about myself all along.
and no longer doubting,
but learning.

maybe it'll be you.

maybe.

here's to hoping everything turns out alright.

never satisfied

that's how we're born to be.
never satisfied.

because we always want more.

maybe what we need,
was never what we wanted.

woah...power.

they say power corrupts,

but it never tasted so good.
it never felt so filling,
as though you were doing what you were supposed to do all along,
it fills you up,
keeps you up.

and it just feels...so....good.

power corrupts.

but it never felt so good.

the answer.

maybe now,
through the dark of the night,
i think i've figured it out.

what i'm in for,
the big test.
the 2 years,
my evaluation.

I think i finally know what i'm fighting for.

because i have been facing my weaknesses
straight in the face, and never knowing what laid behind.

now, i think i finally know.

and here i hold my sword of self-esteem,
slaying the monsters of self-doubt.

I am fighting,
so that I can finally know,
who I am.

I am fighting,
so I can finally,
live with myself.

This is for no one else.
This is for me,
and for me alone.

when you start blowing up your bridges to the outside world, does it hurt?

went out last night,
might be the life in green,
the company,
but it's fun i haven't had in a long time.

i'm sitting here,
but i don't really know what else to type anymore.

maybe i'm finally satisfied.

but probably not.

maybe i'm just messed up.

but for now,
i feel alright.


and that's all that matters for now,
as i blow up all my bridges to the outside world.

so,it's another birthday.

I figured I should probably type something since it's national day and all.

Although nation is just a word,
and the concept of nationality does seem a little flawed,
i'm glad i'm a singaporean.

it's way too safe,
way too comfortable and
way too nanny-state.

but i guess without all those,
i wouldn't have wanted to travel,
to explore and discover.


happy birthday, little nation.

So I cross my heart and hope to die

There are many issues that we as society misses out.
for one, we are an extremely bad judge of prasies or scoldings.

We praise a person when he does something positive.
We scold a person when he does something negative.
That's the basics.

However, a person's actions often do not straight out fall into the positive or negative sectors.
What then?

And here comes the problem:
Do you scold a person because he did not do anything positive?
and do you praise a person because he did not do anything negative?

Must people do the former, but not the latter.
Which is kind of hypocritical, if you ask me.

frankly, I would choose to ignore the grey area, and to indifferent to the indifferent.
but i guess some people feels it's right.
ok then.

the ones, twos, one two three fours.

Got my best soldier plague and letter of commendation this week.
Cool.

Long week break ahead,
maybe i'll find something worthwhile to do,
before my course starts.

maybe a little web design,
or a little tv.

Or maybe a little going out,
would be nice.

maybe.

lights, sounds and action!

I'm back!

It was fun and all.
Maybe i'll post pictures up here and go into details once they're up.

but first thought off my head,
it was fun.

but i guess i'm back.
and boy,
i'm coming back


with a whole new attitude.

a little more escape, a little less realism

gonna pop off back to kl for a while more!
till 3rd, to be exact.

I keep thinking that these trips refresh me,
prepare me for the chaos all around me.

dont get me wrong, it does.
But im taking these trips more and more often.
and im needing them, too.

makes me think about how long it will take me to crack
under the pressure and just go bonkers.

but at least that will have to wait.

cause Im heading off to paradise.

The System

Being so long inside,
I think I may have figured it out.

The people in the system.
4 types:
the ones who
ignore the system
go with the system
stand by the system
fight the system

Those who stand by the system hates those who ignore and fight the system, while working best with those who go with.
Those who ignore the system... well ignore everyone inside the system.
Those who go with the system hates the one who ignore the system and to a small extent those who stand by it.
Those who fight the system hates those who stand by the system while working best with those who go with the system.

And it is because of these 4 personality types that pop out,
that exist the chaos we know as office politics.

Im a fighter. Has been for 3 years, will always be.

Maybe one day, Ill figure out how to win the system.
Till then, I fight.

the little troubles in life

if only I can stop thinking about it,
maybe that will solve the problem.

Has anyone ever stopped,
and think about how society functions?

think about how,

people can pay you thousands,
when you or your assets get destroyed.
but stare funnily at you,
when you ask for a little cash to eat a meal.

we need a license to do anything,
from driving to diving,
but when it comes to really dangerous stunts
like bungee jumping or cliff-diving,
suddenly everything goes.



where luxury food can be so expensive,
that it can easily cost up to 100 times a normal meal.
when the ingredients used are mainly similar,
and it fills you up just the same.

a place
where we constantly say money does not equate happiness,
but we see pure bliss on the winners of the lottery.

a time,
where wearing less in public is recommended,
but wearing nothing is critisized.

a civilisation,
where the exact same type of product,
can cost vastly different prices,
depending on your location.

a society,
where image is king,
and quality takes a back seat.

i think,
we've all gone crazy.

or maybe,
i'm the only one who has.

if only we knew

maybe, sometime, somwhere
in the future of my time,
i will finally understand,
what this has all been about.

or maybe i will understand,
the effects this held,
the significance it holds,
and the lessons it taught.

maybe sometime in my future,
i will finally understand,
why this phase of my life,
has been so.

maybe,
maybe.

it's always a good time

maybe the break's coming.

or maybe this is just the teaser of something new.

either way,
this is going to be good,
if i can juggle this right.

so let's see how this turns out.

take me anywhere

going in soon.

another week of disconnection,
but i guess thats what make it so lucrative in the first place.

for how can one feel connected without feeling disconnected?
feel joy without sadness?

the longer one extreme lasts,
the better the other extreme feels.

the sad facts of reality.

but whoever said I had to live in reality?

spiralling out of control

dreamed a happy dream.

you know how they say the happiest dreams often come at your lowest times?
I think this one is out to reflect what i dont have, by showing me how it would be to have it.

so i just wake up feeling worse.

i need something to distract me,
but the distractions are wearing thin.

need to get out of here, fast.

make me your radio

Another week over, another rest here.

It's become routine now, the joys, the dreads.

Where events are the only highlights.

Maybe it's time to do something drastic.

maybe.

with the music pumped up loud

loneliness is a horrible disease.
and i'm sunken right in the thick of it.

but i guess what i wanted was too much,
not always too much,
but perhaps in my... unique situation,
a tad too much.

I'll come out of it,
but what if I don't.

What if, I stay like this forever?

Maybe it's better not to think about it.

Thinking makes everything worse.
It always does.

ain't gonna lay low.

Despite all that may be,
I have accompolished much.

Learnt many things,
seen many more.

Heard words of wisdom,
words of anger,
words of evil,
and the words of good.

i just haven't felt,
no, not yet.
 maybe when I'm out in the world.
 maybe.

World's a swirling blur,
but i'm taking it in.
colour by colour.

Overrun by the curses that may be.

tagbox in a mess,
blogskin hasn't been changed for ages.
don't even think people come here anymore.

gonna have to clean it up soon.

soon.

if only i can find the time....
but then, i always have no time.

i'm starting to think it's just me.

When the colours flood in

i can't remember how i spell colour anymore.
color?
colour?
both just sound so ...correct.
and they are, in a way.
so i guess that's that.

going back in.

it doesn't feel any different, anymore.
being inside.

the transition hurts,
but i guess, it's always the transition.

in, out.

maybe there's nothing left, outside,
anymore.

maybe.

Here's some twinkle for your eyes

My time out feels so, so, fast.

I think i know why,
i think i know how.

but i still have to find out who.

somewhere,
somehow.


i think i need to party more.
get drunk,
spew vulgarities at the world,
and be an overall obnoxious person.

i think i need that.

we're too young to be sitting around.

a long week.

 though every week pretty much seems like a long week.

which could be due to my tiredness


which could be due to the ups and downs,


which could be due to the audits


which could be due to the army,


which could be due to the government,

which could be due to politics,

which could be due to people's need for a central command,

which could be due for an inherent need for organization,

which could be due to an ancestor's gene due to a mishap with chaos,

which could be due to everything else.

so everything else is to blame.

so there.  

maybe I should just accept it.

I'm tired.

of fighting,
of struggling.

to be heard,
to be recognized,
to be known.

maybe it's time
to just fall.
and stop trying to fly.

one more time,
then i'm gone.

Let's do this one last time.

fight
or
flight?

flight's always that much easier.
sure, it's depressing.
but fighting's tough.
and it's worse if you lose.

so,
fight?
or flight?

I don't think it's really that bad.

Every weekend, I sit at my keyboard.
And question myself,

what has changed?

has anything changed?

Am I happier?

Am I better off?

I keep telling myself this is all for the best.
and deep down, i know it is.

But my head's screaming at me to stop.
stop the hurt, stop the pain.

but i can't.

cause it's for the best.
so until i go down,
i'm fighting.

back in the World.

hopped down to Genting with the other commanders on wednesday!

Crazy cold when we first arrived.

Feeling crazy hot now.

yeap. about it. HAHA.

Here we go again

Going somewhere,
to forget.

Even if it's just for now.

I will be happy.

Because somewhere, somehow, someone is worse off than me.

yet much happier.

thus, I will be happy.

Make Everything Ok

I'm living it up,
trying to rest before the storm.

Just realized,
it's not so much about the work,
then the mindset,
then the stress.

sigh. tough.

cure's nowhere to be found.

maybe a physical escape.


And he sat at the same old dusty corner of the room, like he had every day at five o'clock. Staring out at the ceiling of his room, legs curled up and tucked in his chest, he would disappear. No one could find him, no matter how they shouted, shoved or pushed. For that few moments in time, he could roam his world, running through the green fields, diving in the deepest oceans, staring up at the night sky with the girl of his dreams. 


For that few moments every day,
he was free.

I want a refund.

not what i signed up for.

and i swear i'm going nuts.

concentration levels taking a dip,
haven't had a proper sleep in forever.

I need to get out.

Maybe after the high-key.

Learn the magic words,
and go poof.

the part where we run away.

escape into another place,
filled with instant rewards,
appreciation.

and i can't get out.

(i don't think i want to.)

i'll probably stay here forever.

Perspective's a bitch, huh.

it's one thing to read about people dying in the news.
it's another to feel it up close,
when it happens to someone you know.

close or not.

saw facebook posts about another death,
dismissed it as another unfortunate incident.

until the words 3sg hong dickson popped up in the article.

didn't believe it,
wouldn't believe it.

until they mentioned military intelligence.

my buddy. dammit.

at least he escaped the worst.

for his friend,rest.in.peace.

it's finally happened to our batch.

But maybe this is the wake-up call we need,
not about safety.

but about the dangers of war.

about being a soldier,
fighting for what we believe in,
for our friends, our families.

it's one thing to keep saying it,
it's another to live it.

and this is the wake-up call we need,
that the shit we are doing,

just got real.

That's just the way it goes.

another day.

maybe someday i'll look back at this and laugh nervously,
like how i look back at my old posts and do the same.

but that day's not today.

foreboding, dread.
yet i refuse to let myself down,
refuse to let it all go,
to just...give up.

i think this is going to kill me one day.
in fact i think it's going to kill me really soon.

again, not today.

i no longer know what it is.

someone to talk to?

maybe it's time i let go.

just.. not today.

I need to say goodbye.

my heart feels like collapsing every day.

try telling myself that it will be alright,
but it just feels worse.

i want to leave.
and i'm going to find a way.

a little jazz by the moonlight

maybe things haven't been turning out so great.
maybe everyday seems like a struggle to survive.

A brief respite,then war.

maybe everyone doesn't see,
and maybe, no one understands.

But still, I will fight for the brief respites.
fight, for the end that will arrive.
fight.
for someday,
someone will get it.

someone will understand.

Is this the truth? or only the truth to you?

So,
armskote course ends today.

Met alot of nice people,
had lots of laugh,
fun.

and now it's back,
to the usual hustle-bustle of life.
 Maybe it's really me.

If everyone else seems crazy,
then maybe... I'm the one who is.

I just want to lie down,
and forget the world.

sigh,
forgetting.

if only it can be as easy as remembering.

with the sun shining down on me and you

Relativity sucks.
We suffer because of relativity, because as a collective human race,
we have been cursed with one major flaw,
the inability to think in absolute terms.

We take things/people for granted because we compare them to a state in the near past,
in which we still have that certain thing/someone,
and in the future, we are unable to imagine life without that thing/someone,
thus there no longer exist a fixed absolution of comparison, resulting in taking things for granted.





It works the same for greed.
We want more money, wealth,
because we are unable to experience life being poor,
without this level of comparison, we no longer know what it is to be poor,
and thus, no matter how fat one's bank check can be, they ARE poor.
 Thus exist greed.

Jealousy, Pride, Lust.
Everything.

IF we had a definite value of comparison, maybe we would be more contended.
Stop fighting so much,
stop hating so much,
and love more.

When I came back from my BMT field camp (5 days in the jungles), I remember lying on my bed,
and staring at the ceiling, thinking: I don't need anything else in the world, I just want to lie here. I am contended.

After going through days of torture, of mud, sweat, tears, of rain,
anything was heaven,
our first taste of soft drinks,
first touch of silk,
first smell of clean clothes.
We no longer remembered our unhappiness,
we no longer wanted more money, more joy,
we just wanted to live, then and then.

Maybe that's what the world needs.
Days of torture, of mud, sweat, tears and rain.
And after everything,
through the debris, the destruction, the death.

Maybe,
we would learn contentment.

If you knew my story word for word.

Yesterday.

Company Orderly Sergeant.
Two Incident Reports
One Follow-up Report
Only Personnel to be selected for Armskote Course.
No sleep.

sleep.

maybe that's what i need.

In Five Years Time.

I don't like the world.

Maybe if I lived in the world of comedy.
Where every other word spoken can elicit laughter,
and all important issues can be solved in the span of an hour.

I think that there is a difference,
between people in shows,
and people in real life.

People in show dare.
Because they are fictitious.
Ask a girl out.
Impersonate another person.
Actually flip a table in anger.


Maybe if people in this world,
dared a bit more.
Everything would be so much better.

But now, it just seems like I'm the only one.

And it feels weird having just me.

Just read a piece by A.J. Jacobs on his try at Radical Honesty.

Sounds tempting,
but i'll probably pass this time.
too much at stake.

for now, i'm just lazing about at home.
and debating with myself whether I should change my crazily overdue blogskin.
I probably should,
although by now i would have forgotten everything,
so i'll have to start over.

sigh, the choices.

Everyone knows I'm in over my head.

My heart's gone.
chasing after every little thing.

no longer any sense of reality.

I want to come back,
but every other part of me tells me it's impossible.

Gone through too much,
known too much,
suffered too much.


and now we are here,
in a deep dark hole of no escape.
merely the light,
always shining in from the top.

mocking,
laughing,
tempting.

There is something very wrong,
and I need to figure it out.

but where do I start?

My heart's gone.
and my head's buried in mountains of dirt,
of trash.

I don't want to fight anymore,
I just want to live.

but then again, today's friday the 13th.
so maybe something'll change tomorrow.

And This Is True

Headed down to the Expo today!
went with pok chow and jansen!

The book fair was decent.
books were more expensive than the MPH sale,
although the quality of the books were significantly better.

Managed to get myself 'Catch-22'
and 'And This Is True'










Realized that action/thriller, as exciting as they are,
have started losing their appeal.
Maybe it's the mundane,
or the fact that they use the same formula every time.

Some important/mysterious happens,
some big-shot corporation/person gets involved,
which ends up to be the bad evil boss,
and uses all of their/his resources to stop the protagonist,
who will defy all odds and win.

Delving into comedy.
ha-ha.

These moments.

Went to sentosa today!
company cohesion!

The warm sun,
golden sand,
deep blue sky.

Definitely a great contrast
to the gray skies haunting
my morning everyday.



Played a bit on the sand,
walked on the beach,
got thrown into the sea,
decided to just stay in.

ended up having just HQ
who stayed back to play,
while the others all went back.

had lots of fun.

Life gets tough,
but its these moments,
that seem to make it all worthwhile.
I'm emphasizing on seem,
so there.

Tired,
and i'm pretty sure all the failed cartwheels and flips,
broke something in my body.

but until next time,
i regret nothing. 

Where's fluffy?

just watched nick and norah's infinite playlist

it was so sweet that i just felt utterly depressed at the end of it all.

Life's getting tougher.
so many questions
so little answers.





I guess I just hoped someone would be there
beside me,
walk with me down nameless streets
from sundown to sunrise.

a swig of the bottle or two,
sitting on a nearby pavement.
looking at the night sky,
and talking about
everything
and nothing
all at once.

but it's just me.

and it's no fun having just me.

The Take Over, The Break's over.

what is right?

Is it the way it has always been done?
or is it what's decided by majority?
or maybe,
just maybe,

it is what you reason it out to be.

Must the right thing benefit the high and mighty?
or only benefit the poor, the hungry and the sad?
or maybe,
just maybe,

we can find a balance between the two?


Too many issues,
too many expectations.

But still, I learn.

I will stand by what I think is right.
I'll probably end up making enemies.

But from the way i figure it,
if I don't make real enemies,
I'll never find true friends.

I'm not All mighty.
But at least I'm trying.

I guess I just hoped,
things would be different.

the easy way is often not the right one.

so I hope you would look in,
and stand up.
at least, for what is right,
and not for what has always been.

it's your call.

I could stick around.

Getting up and over my head.

I'm tired, confused and don't really know what to believe in anymore.

There's something you should know.

The world has moved on.
and here I am.
trapped between the future and the past.

You look to the past for help,
to get you through.
Just to see that there is no longer
anyone there.

Everyone is in the future.
So you look to the future,
but no one has time in the future,
not anymore. because in the future,
everyone is too busy chasing their dreams.

So there the rest of us stay,
stuck in the present.

I wish everyone was still in the past.
But everyone wants the future,
so who am I to deny them?

 I guess I just hoped,
that at least one,
even one,
will turn around,
and notice the rest of us
trapped behind.

More than that,
I hope I can get out.

But I guess it ain't that bad,
to at least have someone
from the future who cares.

Slept for only 3 plus hours yesterday,
had office duty.
 So ranting whatever's on my mind.

Being doing alot of thinking lately.
maybe too much.
Turns out all depressing at night.


P.S. I am going to get braces soon.
P.P.S. Maybe a driving license
P.P.P.S.Or maybe not.

A weekday weekend.

I'm not feeling any better.

Shots of relief mixed with worry.

I don't want anyone hurt.

But I honestly have no idea what will happen.

And the worst part of any disaster,
is not knowing what will happen.

But it is coming soon.

Very soon.

Wish me luck.

The moment that brings your life crashing down

In my life thus far, there is one.

I fear this might be the next.

What happens when you know something is wrong,
but because it has always been done that way,
you just think to yourself, "ahh, it'll be ok."
and go ahead to do it.

Nothing, nothing will happen.
Because it has always been done that way.

Until it all piles up,
a small sheet of paper,
another small sheet,
and another,
another,
until it topples and crashes.

and something goes terribly wrong.

Then the questions came,
"why?"

And you don't have an answer.

And everyone involved gets, well...involved.

and it all comes back to you.

"why?"

And you know,
no matter what you can say,
or what you could have done,
you have no answer.

Simple because,
you knew it was wrong,
and went ahead,
to do it anyway.

I am going to take the fall,
and try to absorb everyone else's.
It might mean hell for me,
but it was not their fault,
never their fault.

I did it.


The show must go on.

tell me how to get back.

Went to IT show 2012 today!
with the army people!

Less people than I thought there would be,
although it happened on a friday
so there is little cause for surprise.

managed to get myself a external keyboard
to replace my laptop's internal half-spoilt one.

Still trying to get used to the keys.

I've been spending way too much.

way more than I intend to.

this is bad.

very bad.

I think I have the gene
that leads to alcoholism.

I'm scared.

I'm addicted to sad.

There is this little beauty behind getting your heart broken.

It need not be love,
although it mostly is.

It can be,
a simple word,
a simple truth.

which grows into a phrase,

into a sentence,

into a paragraph,

and into a whole composition

all in your mind,

from that simple word.

and your heart,
can no longer support that truth,
that big composition,
and it cracks,

breaks.

it hurts.

of course it does,
the first time, anyway.

and then you heal.


and when your heart breaks again,

you take it all in.
the pain, the sorrow.
you let it seep through your body

then,
you realize,
that it is that much simpler
to let pain and sorrow rule.

and you let it be.

accept the pain,
accept the hurt.

accept that there is no longer anyone who cares.

and suddenly,
it doesn't hurt anymore.

because you have finally found bliss.

bliss,
the beauty behind the pain.

i may no long matter,

but i still wish you'll come back.

I really need to know.

 Self-Help

How to deal with stress

How to deal with difficult people

Self-Improvement

How to play guitar

How to read effectively

Fiction

The Worlds that exist beyond the green.

One Year On

Mystery

The case of the missing joy

Horror

The encounter of the Lazy


The Rise of the Crazies.

Light up my world.

Empty.

It's times like these,
where you have everything
and nothing to do
all at once.


It's times like these,
where the song 
does not belong,
in your world.

It's times like these,
you hope will never come.

Come and pick me up.

 

How to save a life

they will hate you,
they will scorn you.


hang in there,
hold on.


because,
at the end of the day,


it will be alright.


everything,


will be alright.

It's so easy to just fall into sorrow.
fall into this endless abyss,
of self-pity,
depression,
of hate,
and lone.


where every sad song
is the song of your life.


where your friends 
become your enemies.


where you find out,
the only person you trust,
is you.


where your love no longer exists,
because there is no longer anyone left.


so instead,
you turn to alcohol,
to whiskey,
to vodka.
to tears,
to sleep.

because in them
solace appears.
as a horned devil,
no doubt.

but solace, 
nonetheless.

so you run
into its embrace,
and die,
contented,
escaping the world.



I want to let go.
I want to fall,
down the endless hole.


Please let me fall.

can't trust a serial cheater.

Everything comes and goes.
I guess that's the way it was intended to be.


If something stays for too long,
we forget its existence.
or simply out,
take it for granted.


Only when it goes,
will we treasure it.
will we admire its beauty,
in all the splendor.


This is one of our flaws.


as so commonly commented,
we only wish it
when it's gone.


Even hard work,
even pain,
life,
and death.
even love.


especially love.


the happiest memories,
come when it is no longer there.


everything may be going to hell,
but I'll probably miss it
when this job is all over.

as unlikely as it is at the moment.

 I probably would.

Anywhere else but here.

Mystery Card
An old past comes back to haunt you.
 Lose all mood for the rest of the day.
Card stays with you for all combat and action sequences.
Card effects can only be dissipated with the use of Sudden Joy! or Workaholic!


It was always there, you just didn't want to think about it. Now it's pissed.

I don't think straight.

you will be tortured,
you will be shot,
you will be killed,
you will go to sleep,
and everything will happen again
the next day.


It will be like this,
for everyday,
every second,
of your conscious thought.


It will also be shrouded up,
and through blankets of stereotypes,
and through blankets of ignorance,
no one will know
how you die,
or how you even live at all.

you will die,
right in front of them.
yet all they see,
is an empty slate.

you can come out of it,
crawling, crying, screaming.
or walk out,
a hardened husk of a man,
where a boy used to be.

it's your fight,
it's your life,
now,
this is your choice.

Not exactly having the time of my life now,
but at least i'm not hanging from a rope tied to a ceiling fan.
not yet, anyway.

my phone is now,
my worst nightmare 
my best fantasies.


Except the nightmares keep coming,
and the fantasies have no chance at all.
  

Someday, I will find my way back.

fought,
laughed
and drunk.

In front of my laptop,
on a hot night,
hoping the air-con will hurry up
with the start-up.

listening to simple plan,
sneaking looks at facebook tabs,
twitter tabs,
hotmail tabs.

Realizing that there is nothing left,
whatever magical moments,
hopes.
I think I used them all up.

And I don't know,
how to get them back.


But I guess,
deep,
deep down.






It is always the same thing.


I wish someone'd talk to me.




Where are you?

away from here.

horrible week.

and not just for me, too.

life lessons,
and death promises.

Memory seems to be getting worse.
Forgetting things I promised,
stuff to do,
things to say,
not to say.

I'm afraid.
that one day,
I'll forgot how to be.


Need the long weekend break.


Hell awaits me,
back in the air-conditioned jungles.


but you know what?
It can wait.


3 days to recuperate,
drink,
party,
and be merry.


Then I'll take on the wild.


but till then,


Hell can wait.

And all that counts, is here and now

so. weekend.


next week is going to be busy.
shifting offices,
but I'm looking forward to it.


A new place.


still lonely,
but I guess I'm getting used to it.
day by day.


my imagination runs too wild.

but at least it keeps me sane.


from the real world,
at least.

That's it.

I've had enough.


I may have nothing left,
but when you dug away
the smiles, the laughs.
I asked you not to do it,
not to go on.

 you did.


well, congrats.
all of you went far enough.


hit the core.


white.
hot.
anger.


and it's about to go off.

And you feel like falling down

Need to get my story straight.

Life's still in a huge mess,
but at least I'm patching it up.
untangling the ropes and wires,
knot by knot.


Being feeling really sleepy lately, though.
and burdened.
Feels as though I have got the whole world's
problems.
waiting for me to solve.


although, it's just mine.


mostly, anyway.


do people still care?


I guess not.


But it's ok.
I'll wait.

Because someday,
she'll come.
the one who cares.  

And when she does,
I'll be here.

all ready.  

And come on, come into my life

I am back.

There are tons of issues to settle,
tons of work to do,
and tons of people I have to face.
and at least want to.

myself being the hardest of all.

but I'll do it.


I have no idea where to start,
how to start, or where I am going at all.


But I know it has got to end with me.
It's not gonna be easy,
but it has to be done.


I'm thinking of starting an achievement book.
you know,
maybe it'll help.


or maybe I need to start talking again.


should I?

Everything will be alright.

no more of this crap.

Anyone out there?

alone.


so, so alone.

Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop talking to me.

I felt on the top of the world last night,
and now it all comes crashing down.

stoned at home the whole day.
couldn't do anything.


and i think
i just became more depressed than ever.

lonely, 
too.

And fall into my arms instead

Feels good to be able to tell a friend everything
without worrying about the consequences,
the prejudices.

anyone believes in a little something
known as biorhythm?
its a theory,
that our body goes through differing peaks
something like sin curves.
through different periods of time.

sounds legit to me.
and apparentally
im at my lowest emotionally.
but at least it will get better,
for the next few weeks.

Something good has got to happen,
right?

If it's love.

I can't do this.

all the lonely people that the world forgot.

After all,
it's only me.


Like how it has always been.


A little small corner of the world.


Mood has been spiking in all the different places.
joy, sadness, anger.... everything.


but mostly sadness,
i think.


but sometimes,
your body can't handle 
all that blue,
and it becomes every other colour.


red, yellow, green.


I go to sleep,
glad,
that at least,
whatever happens,
i'm no longer,
in reality.


I don't even know what I want, anymore.
or even what I need.
I don't even know who I am.
no,
not anymore.


not anymore. 

So get out, get out of my head

What is love?

No one has been able to explain the emotion, not even through the advent of science and logic and all the news about how everything can be explained. The euphoric high, the peak, the down and fall of breaking up. Quite frankly, no one bothered. It made them happy, and that was all that mattered. Then they broke up, got separated, and started blaming love, for deluding them, for blinding their eyes to the imperfections of the other half, and vow never to trust in it again. And then some time later, they fall all the way right back into love.


The cycle never stops.


So... what IS it?
We know it is an emotion, for one.
Just like all emotions, 
it is nothing more than a chemical reaction,
or perhaps a synapse movement
in the brain.


Causing a mixture of feelings to gush out of us.
Think of it as... a huge mixing pot.
Where complex feelings are recipes,
mixed through basic feelings like
sadness of happiness.


you know what?
i have no idea what i am talking about.


I think...
I can't do this anymore.

please come and pick me up,
wherever you are.
please.

The Night I Got Attached

this is an obscene time to be making a blog post.
this is an obscene time to be doing ANYTHING.

unless you are in the army.
but i'm not,
not at this moment...anyway.


But who cares.
I want to pen this down,
before I forget.

Because this is going to be
the happiest i'm going to be,
for a long, long time.


It was... an afternoon in Orchard.
Supposed to meet this girl for lunch.

She was working at this law firm,
and was on her lunch break.


When she came down,
she was... exceptionally determined.
took my hand,
and dragged/ran me to Centrepoint.


Brought me up to
the balcony(?) of the mall


Stared into my eyes
and said these words:
'I don't want to wait anymore,
I can't stand this.
I love you,
Please tell me you love me back.'

I said,
'Yes, yes, of course I do.'

And we hugged.
It felt like an eternity,
all rolled up into one,
that moment.

Soon after,
we sat down at a nearby bench.
looking up at the clear blue sky,
with clouds just...floating past.

I told her,
'Before we go on any further,
you know about me, my past.
I love you so much.
But you know I can't just
commit.
not now, not yet.'   

She looked right back at me,
and said,
'Of course I know,
It's ok.
I just wanted to know you loved me back.
Instead of a relationship,
let's just be...related.'

I have no idea why she had used the word related,
but I guess being related is a basic form of relationship?
A leading point UP to a relationship?
the... baby pokemon version of relationship.

I have never felt happier.
The world was spinning around me,
and I was on top of the world.

I looked at her again,
that beautiful, beautiful face.
She said,
'Before we go on any further,
we should probably have some ground rules.
for being related.
Rule #1:...'

Then my hand started feeling numb.

I woke up.

I was sleeping on my hand.

I closed my eyes.


Hoping,
Begging,
to whatever entity,
that this,
was part of my memory.
and not part of my dreams.


that I woke up,
into the same world
as her.


I didn't.

I closed my eyes again,
trying to go back to hers.

All I got was pitch black
darkness.


It was all..
unreal.

And so,
I am here.
5 mins on.


Trying to pen down
before I forget,
for I must never forget.


Not her,
not that world,
not ever.


A dream machine that paints my dream,
And an option to sleep in it forever.

   

Buses from hell.

When this story is told,
it will be known as
'The worst morning of my life'
or
'Buses from hell'
or
'I should have taken down his damn license plate number'

So
In the morning,
supposed to go for swimming practice for 
swimming competition within the battalion.

Went half an hour early to the bus-stop.
was unsure of the bus number to take,
so checked the list.
found the correct one,
so i took the bus when it came.

when i boarded the bus,
i double-confirmed with the bus driver.
seemed like his first time driving
or something, cause he was unsure as hell.

but he kept telling me
that his bus didnt go anywhere near nee soon camp
(where I wanted to go)
and asked me to take 851 from the opposite side of the road.


So i was like.... really? I thought i took this bus the other time,
but i alighted
and went opposite
to realize
NO SUCH BUS EXISTS.


Then i went back,
and realized my first bus
WAS THE RIGHT BUS ALL ALONG.
i was left with 5 mins then.


and was pretty much panicking,
since i was in-charge
and had to take attendance
and all that other administrative matters.


then the bus finally came.
but by then i was already late.

so the bus went on
and on.
then i saw nee soon camp!
as the bus was heading towards it,
with my already late for 10 minutes,
IT TURNED.


TURNED.
ALL THE WAY INTO PRIVATE ESTATE.
AND UP TO SELETAR RESERVOIR.


alighted.
felt like sitting on the curb
and just....giving up.


until a cab came.
and i flagged it.
and it took me to camp.
late for half an hour.


didnt take attendance.
probably gonna be banned from coming out on thursday.

but at least it was over.


or so i thought.


went to nex for lunch,
overshot the bus stop,
alighted,
took another bus.


after lunch,
then wanted to take 22 home.


22 came and stopped a distance away from the bus stop
waited for it to come up to the head of the bus-stop.
but it just....drove off.
i was pretty much halfway to hulk mode.
So i ran beside the bus,
and knocked on the door.


the bus driver looked at me,
AND ACCELERATED THE BUS.
ACCELERATED.

I RAN EVEN FASTER.
and knocked..harder.
he accelerated.


i just gave up halfway.


went down to mrt,
and took the mrt home.


i swear i have never felt more happy to step INSIDE the house.


I should have taken their license plate numbers.
dammit.

It's not me. It never was.

No one will understand.
But it's ok.

I do.


No one would bother.
But it's ok.


I would.


No one will care.
But it's ok.


I care.


No one will smile.
No one will love.

But it's ok.


Because at the end of the day,
when all is said and done.


I will.


Even if it is only me,
just me.

I will.

Tonight

spending nights alone
always gets me in a horribly depressing mood.

Can't live like this anymore.
This is crazy.


I have no idea what is happening,
why it is happening,
and how it even happened.


Waiting,
anticipating.
For something that will never come.


Give it up,
just to take it back.


I can't.
I just can't.

let you go.

save me. 

When the morning comes

so.

Operations Specialist.

Stressful life ahead.
But at least I'm out
from the dreaded life.
of mud, blood and death.

Nights spent in terror,
no more.


I'm not meant for this.
But hey,
that doesn't mean I won't 
try my best.


I'm going to be the best.
Everyone will know me.


Challenge
Accepted.