Insecurity and Paranoia

Well now, I get low and I get high
And if I can't get either, I really try
ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive

back. tired. really. from.pe.

want to sleep so badly.
can't move.
sucks to run 2.4km with a stitch.
but at least i still passed. aha.
on the dot. like seriously on the dot. one more second and i would have failed. LOL.

ok so today's post... might not be so happy.
I have my highs and lows, right?
haha ok back to the topic today, which would be insecurity and being paranoid.

It sucks to feel all alone out there.
Fighting a lonely battle.
At least I had awesome close friends last time I could share my everyday problems with.
Now... sigh.

Which brings me to my topic. insecurity.

something I'm suffering from greatly.
There are these crazy conspiracy theories running around my head everyday.
seriously.
About my life, my school, my friends, classmates, EVERYTHING.
some are quite plausible when I think about it,
some are just plain absurd,
and some are really absurd but seem to contain traces of truth.

What's the difference between insecurity and paranoia?
I don't really know, to be honest.
but maybe, just maybe, I may be able to get a close friend to tell all these theories to in the future.
It'll be nice to have some perspective on the matter.
and some of them are seriously ridiculous.
aha. but I'll save it for the moment.

At first, I guess I had quite some confidence.
but now, I'm not feeling so sure.
Stupid insecurity.

ok, i shall share one conspiracy theory about the class from each category; since I'm feeling pretty down and out now.
Most likely true: I have a utterly horrid reputation now. And I can understand why. Guess it's up to me to show everyone I'm really not whatever the rumors make me out to be.

A little ridiculous but has hints of truth to it: Someone in class hates me. alot.

Utterly ridiculous but I can't help it: Everyone in class doesn't like me at all and doesn't want me around but has no choice. (due to the first theory.)

Told you I was insecure.
kinda stupid when I think about it.
But it's like.. whenever one of them sticks in your head,
everything else just seem to fall into place, even when they're not supposed to.
And I have so many of these just running about in my head screaming out =(

haha looks like I have alot of work to do with regards to mental health. aha.

but I guess I gotta stay happy, eh.
I mean, hey, life isn't going to keep kicking you down.. right?
There has GOT to be a light. somewhere, somehow.

I just hope I can find it real soon. =)

And one last word: Yes. It was my fault. the whole thing. I didn't know what I was getting myself into and just went at it. I'm sorry. I deserve all the bad things you may or may not say about me. So don't feel bad.

And to everyone else: It's all true. I was utterly irresponsible. I'm sorry. I was a horrid person. So if you're wondering, believe it. It was true. But don't lose hope in me, not now, not yet. It was a flaw in my personality, my character, that forces me to fail in this kind of situation. But now I see the flaw, so please, please, please, not now, not yet. There is still hope. Please hope.

P.S. This was done in a sheer act of insecurity and paranoia.