there's only hate

there's only tears;there's only pain
there is no love here

I hate coming home.
ok change that.
i hate being alone.
cause i keep getting this swelling feeling in my chest.
that wants to come out.
and I have to force it in.

and tonight it got really bad.
at least I'm trying my best to stop the alcohol-drinking.
but I feel like the world's a mess.
and it's all my fault.
and the movie "stranger than fiction" definitely didn't help.
Funny how i keep choosing the most inappropriate movies.

Because i freaking want to die.
ok to digress, the movie's about....
ok i shall not say just in case there're people who want to watch.
but damn. man.
If I was the guy, I would have wanted her to continued writing.
the tradegy ending.
I mean, GOD. it's so beautiful.
Why the hell did she do it.
He's already prepared to die for goodness sake.

I really hope I could just let someone narrate my life.
Just tell me what's happening,
and kill me in a heroic way.
I would really like that alot.
I mean, since I'm so useless and moping down here anyway.
I might as well sacrifice my life for a beautiful piece of literature.
And all along that has always been my most preferred way to die,
die through saving someone.
Damn now I really want to be in that movie.
stupid author.

So yea, the movie didn't help much cause i really felt like dying in the end.
Like seriously. I wouldn't even mind just going out now and injecting myself with some poison and die on the street.
and now i'm in totally no more mood to bother about maclaurin's. or PnC.
Just calculate the probability that I'll die in my sleep tonight and expand it.
Now my mind just screams out to me that everything's false.
I keep having notions.
There's this feeling.
I don't know.
that everyone's just playing with me.
and my feelings.
just... leading me on.
into some sort of emotional trap.
and .
I don't know.
don't
know how to
stop it.

Please.
oh please.
anyone.
someone.
help.

[don't. help. or you'll get hurt. just leave me alone. I really need someone to pour all my feelings into and anyone who lets me do that is going to be in a hell lot of emotional trouble. so. please. just. stay away.]

[help.]
[i really. want. help.]
[someone. let me. someone.]
[please. anyone.]
[ ]

edit: I'm ok. I'm ok. really. just ignore everything.