Maybe it's time.

Maybe it's time,

I tried making a friend.

To let someone else come into my life.

But then, where would I start?

Where would I go?

Maybe.

Dusting the dust.

No one reads this anymore,
so i guess i'm safe.

Not that it matters, anyhow.

I think of what I'm going through,
and then I look at all the people around me,
and I think.

'Are they all the same?'
'Are they all going through the same thing?'
'But why are they so happy? so...cheerful?'

Always so happy,
always so cheerful.

Oh, if only you knew what is underneath.

Do all of you fight the same monsters?
Or am I the only one fighting the big ones?

Maybe I need a therapist.
yea, I probably do.

But I'll wait until I break down and go crazy.
Then, maybe the therapist will find me.

maybe.

To be lost

and maybe,

just maybe,

to be found.

The reason why I'm me.

I'm not normal.

Some call it special
Words i've gotten include:
'unique'
'weird'
'crazy'

In the first few days,
It was a concerted effort,
to be different,
to outshine,
to stand out.

By this point of time,
years down the road.

It just comes naturally.
The things I have learnt,
the skills I have mastered,
the tricks of the minds,
the nuances of conversation.

Now, it becomes a concerted effort
to not go wild with whatever i know,
with whatever i'm doing.

People are scared.
They say they're not,
but I see it in their eyes.

Now,
I just can't hide it,
I can't go back to being normal.

It's much too late.

Sometimes,
I feel like a Frankenstein monster,

but most of the time,
i just pity all who try to be normal.

the tendency of dependency

you know how we have a spectrum of emotions,
from sadness,
to happiness,
anger,
hope,
jealousy,
love.

which all fall under this big line of emotions.
where one end is positive emotions
and the other is negative emotions.








so we have hope, love, happiness under the positive end
and anger, jealousy, loss, sadness, under the negative end.

so whilst someone on a nondescript day would be at neutral.

we have people who tend to be on the more positive end,
and some on the more..negative.

me?

i think i'm the latter.

i don't think it's because i don't have a choice,
but rather,
because I do.

Sadness is just... so beautiful.
when you're happy,
things just seem to zoom on by,
before you know it,
everything is over,
but the fleeting memory of that happy moment.

sadness, on the other hand,
makes you think,
consider,
as the time seem to take forever to pass.
brood,
plan.

and most importantly,
it's nice to be sad,
because you know,
that your emotions now,

have nowhere else to go but up.

americano, exotica

it's one of those days.

the day in the middle of the week.

where everyone gets a break.

where the workers get two weekends in a week.

and the rest go around wondering why their local pool parlours and orchard roads are suddenly so crowded.

The key to labour day,

i think,

is not merely a day where people get to rest,

but to think about what they are doing.

to reevaluate their .... careers.

to actually sit down, and think,

what am I doing from Monday to Friday,

from 9 to 5?

Do I really want to continue doing what I am doing?

But then again,

labour day may just be a day for pregnant women to give birth.

who would know?

and i know, how to save a life.

There are many places I want to go.

Be it the beautiful peaks atop the snow-capped mountains, to the bustling streets along downtown New York.
I want to be able to walk around the streets with a backpack, just looking at everything and everyone.

I want to be sipping a hot cup of coffee whilst people watching below the Eiffel Tower.
I want to be able to pick up a baked brownie in Amsterdam and thinking 'Here goes nothing.' and take a big bite in it.
I want to be able to walk along the stony paths down small huts in Norway.

And sometimes,
if you want them bad enough.

they'd actually happen.

I don't know why i even bother.

maybe something to take my mind off things, i guess.

I've been creating,
writing,
composing,
i have so many ideas running through my head
at any given point of time.

to create is as easy as plucking an idea
off the infinite train of thought.

but i guess,
the lack of exposure is making things difficult.

i'm sick of composing without an audience,
of writing without a reader.

i guess it's confidence,
yea.

i guess it is.

brushing away the cobwebs

feels as though it's been years since i've posted here.

what's changed?
i'm out of army, for one.

and as much as the freedom is exciting,
my to-do list is running out.

learning the keyboard,
so that's fun.

heading down to KL (again) tonight, till the weekend.

planning to get a job after i'm back.

mood's been really swingy (actually it's just swinging between bad, and worse)
do they sell anti-depressants over the counter?

i think i just need someone to talk to.

maybe, i'm just waiting for you.

Moments of Doubt

I don't know what it is that makes me excited,
or happy,
or sad.
I just do.

and it comes out in words,
so many words.

I put them down on paper.
but they appear from someone
else's point of view.

a horror story,
action,
thriller,
romance.

and i look at all i have done,
all i have created.

and i think to myself,
who am I?

This time.

I think I'm stumbling into a whole new world of societal normality.

and it scares the hell out of me.

I never stay.

So, a little update:

Did wisdom teeth extraction last...thursday?
Mouth didn't hurt afterwards (none at all actually)
but i look as though i went through 3 rounds against mike tyson.
still do.

maybe i should stick a few bandages here and there
try to convince people i really did go through 3 rounds against mike tyson.
heh.

lotsa outings coming up this week.
 which is good, i guess.

organizing more than my fair share.
which... meh. pros and cons.

on a side-note,
i really do need to start on my post-ORD to do list.

too much stuff i want to do.
not enough money,
not enough time.

Ladies and gentlemen

I never believed in ceremonies.

Achievement should be celebrated with champagne,
with confetti,
music,
dance
and song.

not long speeches,
in horrible weather,
with long waits,
and everyone rushing to go home.

and that's why i didn't want to go.

(oh and i wanted to get rid of my weekend duty as soon as possible)

just in case anyone's interested.

Drop 'em.

and i think this is the final lesson of all.
After everything.

the last one,
is to learn to let go.

let go of those who do not seek your company,
but your weakness.

those who do not seek a friend,
but a mold to change.


those who do not seek a companion,
but a stepping stone.

it is time,
to stand up.



and just walk out.